A letter to my son

watch this video first http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xg7ZFrGNQns


My Dearest Matthew,


I just put you to bed. Like every night I fed you warm milk while you spun around in my arms trying so hard to get away. You always seem to know when it is bedtime and try to resist each time. I don't know where you get all the energy. I brushed your teeth and sang you sweet songs about how much your family loves you, and especially how much you are loved by our Father in Heaven. I laid you down in your crib and you gave me the sweetest smile. You curled up on your belly and knees and tucked your sweet chubby arms underneath you. I covered you up and prayed over you like I do every night. You didn't make a peep. You are such a good baby.


I stood next to you and watched you sleep in the darkness and thanked God for the gifts and blessings he has provided, especially for you and Haley. I thought of your many accomplishments today, the big and the small. Tonight, for the first time, you walked! You have taken little steps before. You know, the one or two struggled and caution filled steps in between me and Daddy. It's always so cute when you realize no one is holding on to you. You let out this nervous laugh and then fall on your butt and then break out into laughter. We can't help but laugh with you. We have practiced with you so many times. "Go to Daddy," I'd say and off you'd go, holding my hand until you could almost touch his, then you'd solo for one or two steps and then fall into his arms, laughing the entire time. Your blue eyes would sparkle with your big smile. Your big sissy Haley is always your biggest cheerleader. You should see how she lights up when you do something new.


But tonight, tonight you were something to behold. Tonight you let go of my hand, stood carefully by yourself, but reached out to make sure I was there to catch you. You caught your balance and then took off...8, 9, 10, even 12 steps to Daddy. Then back you came. Your bright smile was all I could see through my tears of joy. Into my arms you walked with such joy and pride. Oh, how we all clapped and rejoiced!


Life has a way of whispering to us when sacred moments are occuring. And life whispered tonight. As you released my hand and stepped alone, an emotion surged within me. An emotion that I didn't identify until I watched you sleeping tonight.


What was I feeling? This may suprise you, but the emotion was fear. I was afraid. Matthew, until tonight, you depended on your daddy and me for everything. Everywhere you wanted to go, we took you. Anything you wanted to do, we did with you. But tonight marked, well, it marked your stepping out. Soon you won't want to be carried, something my arms will be grateful for but will cause my heart to break. Soon you will squirm from our arms to the floor and proudly walk alone.


Your first step away from childhood. Your first step away from innocence. Your first step away from home. Your first step away from us; away from our world and into your own.


I imagined, as I watched you sleep, the other first steps that await us in the future. I thought of your first step up the sidewalk to school. Freshly scrubbed with shiny shoes, pressed slacks, and combed hair, off you'll go into the big world of pencils, blackboards, and knowledge. What will you learn? I wonder.


I thought of your first steps toward friendships. When "Bobby" or "Kyle" or who-knows-who next door knocks on our door and asks, "Can Matthew come out to play?" When another little friend takes the place of Daddy as your buddy and Mom as your girlfriend.


And your first steps toward your own faith. God, I pray they come. One foot carefully placed in front of the other carrying your heart to the Roman cross. Hands extended inviting God to lead you as you continue stepping through unpredictable fields of faith.


So, as I watched you sleeping quietly in the darkness, I felt fear. Fear that what we started tonight, we couldn't stop. I had this crazy inclination to push the pause button and freeze this moment as it is now. You, in my arms, forever giggling, kissing, and playing.


But life isn't like that my sweet Matthew. Those who love life must love it with open hands. We must release time and save only the memories. We must remember that with each first step comes a journey of joy, surprises, and gentle whispers of God's presence.


So, I'll let you walk my little boy. I'll release your hand and let you go. I'll do my best to stay nearby as long as I can. And should you fall, I'll rush to help you up. And should you stumble, I'll catch you. And should your steps lead you astray, I'll do my best to show you the right path.


And should you ever grow tired or weary on this journey, you will never be to old to crawl into my arms with those big beautiful eyes and sleep securley knowing that any evil, any pain, or even hell itself would have to deal with me before it could touch my baby boy.


I love you Matthew,

Mommy





In addition to many of my own words, I also used words from a letter I came across during a Bible Study written by Christian author and pastor, Max Lucado.