Frustrated...

I opened the mail yesterday and there was a large envelope inside, you know the large manilla kind. Only this one was white and not manilla. Completely does not matter, I know. Anyways, it was addressed to my old house and the writing was my Dad's. I have not spoken to my dad in over 2 years and the only reason I spoke to him last was because I called to wish him a happy birthday. He has only met my nearly 6 year old a handful of times and only because we were there at the same time he was. This came from no effort on his part. Well, I guess that is not entirely true. He did drive out for her birth which was suprising but nothing much since then. He has never met my nearly 2 year old son nor did he even know I was pregnant with him. He didn't call me after my heart attack or after my son nearly died in a freak accident.
Can you hear the frustration.
Back to the white (manilla) envelope. Inside were three separate envelopes. One was addressed to all of us and one each to my children. I opened the one to all of us and it was a Christmas card. There was a post it note on the inside that said..."Sorry, no gifts or goodies this year....still looking for a job." AAAAHHHH!!! Does he actually think we care about goodies and gifts? He obviously doesn't realize, or doesn't care, that a relationship has no financial committment. I guess the emotional committment is much to high for him.
I know my Dad loves me, he has just never been good at sharing it. I wish with all my heart that I had a Dad. I see commercials, T.V. shows, and situations in life where a father and daughter sit and talk, have a meal together, talk on the phone, anything. I cry. I would've loved to have had that. I try, as best as I can with a complete stranger. I send pictures of my children and cards. I have several websites that he can view. NOTHING!!!
I didn't show my children the cards for them. How do I explain that to my very inquisitive almost 6 year old? I don't know how. She has a grandfather that loves and cares for her very deeply and takes the time to have a relationship with her, even though it might be a little out of his comfort zone at times. She has two beautiful grandmothers who love her with incredible depth, pride, and joy. She never has to question who these people are in her lives. She has people who are not even related to us that show more of an interest in her daily life than this man has shown throughout her entire life.
Maybe it is wrong for me not to show her this card and not continue to tell her about my father, but I want to protect her from the same disappointment and sadness I have felt. Is that wrong? What else should I do? I am worn out from this and have moved on, at least I think I have moved on. It still hurts at times though, especially at this time of the year.

Our Christmas Gift...I still believe in Santa

After Christmas Eve service we came home to eat a little dinner and then to open presents. We have adopted Greg's family tradition of opening gifts on Christmas Eve because Christmas Day is about celebrating Jesus' birth. That is also a day set aside for Santa to bring his special gifts. Needless to say we were very surprised when Santa came a little earlier than usual. The kids were opening presents from out of town relatives when the doorbell rang. It was probably around 8 or later, although I didn't actually look at the time. Greg and I looked at each other confused. Our neighbors are out of town and they are the only ones that ring our doorbell. I made my way downstairs to open the door, confused as to who might be there. I was taken aback when there was no one standing on the other side of the door. Instead, there were presents. I stepped outside and looked around but there was no one around. The street was silent. I called up to Greg and told him about the packages. He came down stairs and started looking around outside as well. He yelled out "Thank you" and helped me bring the gifts inside.
We looked at the tags, still bewildered. We were sure someone had the wrong address but to our amazement, each gift had our names on them and were signed by Santa. Still stunned, I opened my gift first. It was very large and very heavy. After tearing the first section of paper off, the present was revealed. New pots and pans. I immediately burst into tears. Not just little trickles of tears but flat out sobbing ugly crying. I was completely overwhelmed. You see, for the last year and a half we have been cooking with one small pot and pan. That's all we have. It is mostly by choice as we have not made it a priority when spending our money. As a stay at home mom, especially in these economical times, many other things become priority such as bills and food and clothing for the children. We can survive with one pot and pan. The fact that someone knew what I needed was awesome. Greg opened his gift. It was hysterical. The look on his face was priceless. It was complete dissapointment. I felt so bad for him. Inside the box was a Starbucks cup. He kept saying, surely Santa wouldn't do this to me. Have I really been that bad? Tears of Joy and hysterical laughter was all I could get out. Greg HATES coffee, but he especially HATES Starbucks. Well, of course Santa didn't dissapoint. Inside the Starbucks cup was a gift certificate to a Sporting Good's store. Silly Santa. Greg coaches hockey and really needs some hockey pants in order to play on the Men's league. Again, it was perfect. Haley recieved an awesome set of stamps which is perfect for the crafty girl that she is and Matthew recieved an amazing Thomas the Train floor mat complete with a very loud train whistle. It will be perfect for his room because I planned to redo it in primary colors for his birthday. He loves trains. And when I say he loves trains, he really really LOVES trains. Basically, anything with wheels that can move he is drawn to.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you that it wasn't the material things that made this such a special day. It was the gift of love. The fact that someone knows us well enough to give us these gifts, takes time out of their own family to think of us so specifically, and has the selflessness to be anonymous in their giving is completly humbling to me. So Santa, if you are reading this, thank you for this undeserved blessing. I hope that you WILL know and do know the amount of love we felt on Christmas Eve. You are a beautiful spirit. You deserve extra jewels on your crown in Heaven. God Bless you! We will pay it forward in your honor.

Love,
The Kiker Family

I forgot to mention the Third Day Christmas Offerings CD. My very favorite Christian Band. Just another example.

One year ago today.....

One year ago today Greg and I brought home our sweet baby boy from the hospital after a 6 day stay. It was the scariest time of our lives. Seven days prior I had taken the kids with me to the post office to mail some Christmas packages. It was extremely cold, windy, and snowy outside so I put Matthew in the stroller, grabbed the packages and ran inside, trying not to get the kids cold and wet. The line was long so I placed the packages on the table they have along the line and waited. I had some small talk with the woman in front of me, she complimented me on how cute and well behaved both my children were and we talked about the weather. Haley had walked over to the items for sale and was looking at them. I heard a very loud but deep thump. I looked over at Haley thinking she had dropped something. After realizing she hadn't, I looked at Matthew in the stroller and he wasn't there. He was face down on the floor and not crying. I screamed for someone to call 911 and got down on the floor with him. The lady I had been talking to took off her coat and offered it to me to wrap him in when we both realized that not only did he have a huge goose egg on his head but that he was also turning blue. I remember the lady say that he wasn't breathing and I grabbed him in my arms which was probably not the safest thing to do. I started rubbing him and shaking him a little and telling him to wake up. He finally started to cry and there was a huge sigh of relief from myself, the woman helping me, as well as a man that came over. One of the postal ladies brought over some ice for the swelling. I had a pretty quick peace come over me that he was going to be okay but then I suddenly realized that my sweet Haley had been watching the whole thing. I looked at her and told her that Matthew was just fine and everything was going to be okay. She gave me this sweet grin that was encouraging, empathetic, loving, and concerned all in one.

The ambulance finally arrived and checked him out. We got him into the ambulance where they continued to triage him. We had to get the car seat out so he could ride safely. Haley and I rode in the back with him. The EMT gave Haley a little Shark named T-Bone. Haley loved it and still has it in a very special place. While they were getting him hooked up to tubes and oxygen, putting a neckbrace on, and checking everything out, someone began banging on the ambulance door. It was some lady who was upset that the ambulance was blocking her into the parking space. The EMT was so upset with her and put her in her place. We saw both good and bad parts of humanity that day. I, for one, liked the good parts.

During the ambulance ride he was stable so they drove a normal speed without the lights on. Not long after, though, he started getting very lethargic and then lost conciousness. The EMT told the driver to go "lights on" and we heard the sirens wailing and saw the lights flashing. The cars were going by very quickly in the window. The EMT got on the phone with the hospital and was updating them while he was poking Matthew with needles and doing a sternum rub. The air was very tense. I looked over at Haley who was facing the entire scene and she had her head bowed, her eyes closed, and her hands folded and was praying for her brother out loud. It was the most wonderful moment I have ever experienced. I just broke down and wept. To see the image of my 4 year old daughter with enough strength and faith to pray out loud in an ambulance for her brother, I knew I wanted to be just like her. She became my hero that day. The amount of strength, poise, and faith she had that day was overwhelming.

To make an already long story a little shorter, Matthew survived the head trauma with a major concussion and a horrible bruise and bump. We were released late that evening into the arms of Greg who had been at work the entire time, completely unaware. The next morning Matthew began throwing up, a horrible sign of a head injury worse than previously thought. The pediatrician sent him back to the hospital where he underwent more tests, including another MRI. It was determined that his head injury was the same and that he probably had the flu. He started breaking out in extreme hives all over his body, running a fever, and continuing to vomit. It took him 6 days to recover from this in the hospital. Greg and I stayed with him all the time while Haley was bounced around from friend to friend. Greg and I both wound up getting the stomach flu and Greg was actually sent to the hospital. It was a crazy six days and we did not know if we would make it home for Christmas. Finally, the Dr. told us Matthew could go home. We were elated and tired. Sleeping on a hospital floor is not exactly the most comforting thing in the world. But, our baby was going to be okay and we would all be together for Christmas. We went to church later that evening and worshiped God with all that we had. It was a great day.

I often complain about the color of the walls in our house. They are a very very pale cream, basically white. I am grateful, deeply grateful for my walls, but I am definitely not afraid of color. I would love to paint the inside of the house to make it less stark and more comfortable. However, purple, green, and yellow were not quite the colors I had in mind. I like the faux finish look in some areas, but I don't think a 1 1/2 scribbles quite qualify.

Haley decided to give Matthew a few crayons, markers, and pencils the other day in order to "keep him happy". Please understand she tried this a few days before with a RED dry erase marker and I made her scrub her walls. You would think that she would have learned her lesson after I made her scrub those walls. But Noooooo! Just so you know, red dry erase marker does not come off of walls so don't send your five year old to scrub the walls because she will scrub all the way to the white powdery part of the drywall and you will be left with a much bigger mess to clean up. BAAAAADDDDD! But, I digress.

I decided that Matthew and Haley would need to clean the new creation, mainly because I had cleaned 5 other walls and 2 doors and my hands and arms were tired. Where was I when Matthew colored my walls? Let me just tell you that a 1 year old can do a whole lot of damage while you are fixing a PB&J. Anyways, they had way to much fun scrubbing and most of it did not come off but of course I got some cute pictures. I am sure that this will not be the first time.

Does this mean I actually might get to paint my walls the color of my choice? HHHMMMMM????!!! Where are those markers and my toddler? Anyone want to color?

Has it really been that long????

There have been so many times in the last 6 months or so where something has happened and I have thought "I should really blog about that". But, alas, it never makes it and the thought disappears. I have decided to make this much more of a priority since the purpose of this is to create a record for my children of different memories and so they can get an idea of who their mom is and what she is working on becoming. Soon this sight will look different, be a little more functional, and put emphasis on the things that are most important to me. Please keep checking back as my goal is to write several times a week.
Until then, have a Blessed Christmas. May you focus in on the true meaning of CHRISTmas.

Happy Birthday Jesus!!!